This has been a long time coming, so let me just get what comes out as it comes out, please.

First, though, to all of the friends that I made on AF who were for real to me (Kensuke, Kara, Windy, Sela, Kris/Kasumi, Minael, Saint X, Tomi, Aya, Karu, Victor, Akito, Maya, Ixis, and Ciel), I love you guys and I’m sorry that I had to leave this way. The drama crap aside, I had a lot of fun in between J

Y’know, looking back at all of the convos that I saved, after all the positive stuff we’ve been through, I never realized until right now as I write this how much it hurts for me to say these things, but I’ve been walked on, trampled, my feelings torn up and thrown aside, and so I just want to vent, consequences be damned. Everyone’s raised a fit and gone back to normal like it never happened with me, so why can’t I have a go for one and I personally believe that it’s worth it this time around. My friends told me not to be walked on and this is the last time that I EVER want to be used as a doormat.

Over the years, I’ve put up with lots of ‘brutally honest opinions’ that were lined with lots of cuss words and loads of self-confidence detonating crap. And then came the reason why I quit AF to begin with, the straw that broke the camel’s back…

Everything, to me, was slowly getting back to normal until I wrote that damn letter Sakuya; all I did was tell her that I was still researching my fighting moves, that I would be spending some time off to get my thoughts collected, and that I wouldn’t be posting as much in case you wondered why I would suddenly vanish. That’s it, right there, end of story! The next thing that I know, I’m told that Lina hates me because she thinks that I dumped her behind her back (she was helping me with a move for a post) and guess who she heard it from? Apparently dear Sakuya got the impression from God knows where that I was asking/implying for her help. What the hell?! I never even hinted at that anywhere in the fucking letter! And instead of coming to me and asking if that’s what I meant, she jumps to the wrong conclusion and goes off and tells Lina what she assumes I meant and has one of my best friends and mentor-figures F-bombing me behind my back because she thinks that I back-stabbed her.

And even when I tried to clear it up, something that Sakuya kept encouraging me to do and promised to help me with, guess who goes ‘wait a minute’ instead of leaving it alone once we’ve finally got everything settled? That’s right! Dear old Saki drags up more crap that makes Lina hate me all over again, isn’t that nice? The person who said that I should take responsibility and talk things out with her is just fueling it for more drama, just like my sister told me when I showed her the whole IM chat that I printed out (yes Saki, I DO save the talks we have, contrary to what you believe). I didn’t want to believe it, but the more I kept reading it over, the more I felt betrayed myself and even more confused.

And this ain’t no guilt trip, this is a fucking beat down!

I don’t understand it, Sakuya, you pushed me towards straightening things out with Lina, but a few seconds after we clear the air, you go “Wait a minute” and drag up more shit and it’s not the first time you did it too. Feeding me to Bekuki during our match commentary without warning and setting me up to have Lina chew me out without helping clear the air (instead tag-teaming her with the guilt trip that I don’t even remember happening in the first place), in case you forgot. And it hurts, too, because you were like a sister to me, always helping me when I needed you and we were there for each other during that thing with your Mom. Maybe it’s my fault too that this happened, I don’t know, all I do know is that we had a chance to just drop the damn subject last night but you wouldn’t let it drop >_<

And Lina, I thought that you trusted me enough to know that I’d never go backstabbing you; I love you and all of your work. So what it I don’t like your art style 100%, that’s just my opinion, it doesn’t mean that I hate you. You were one of the first AL friends that I made and I was always loyal to you, I can’t believe that this is even happening!

Maybe it was a mistake to cling too close and try to learn everything off you two, maybe I should have tried to do it on my own. Maybe it was wrong for me to jump into an RPG with rules that clash abrasively with how I view AL is played; even though I understand Windy’s rules after she wrote them out, I still apparently couldn’t understand them according to you two. Maybe I just never should have joined since I’m not a fighter or have experience in such like the others who join, because that’s the only reason that I can think of that all of the moves that I practiced with my sister in real time with real bumps and bruises all hopelessly flopped time and again.

Lina, I’m sorry that that letter upset you, I’m sorry that you misunderstood what I was saying, I’m sorry for that I even wrote the damn thing, I’m sorry that I mistook you and Kara’s pictures for Saki’s, I’m sorry that I forget stuff easily, I’m sorry I suck at RPGs, and, most of all, I’m sorry for joining in the first place! If I knew that all of this drama was gonna start up by joining, I never would have agreed to it! All I wanted as a simple, innocent crossover battle between your OCs and mine, was that so much to ask for?

I think that we both agree that none of this unnecessary drama would never have happened if you hadn’t asked me to come over to Angel Fall and the worst part is that it normally takes a lot for me to feel this way and here I am >_<

And Sakuya, I’m sorry that I kept latching onto you cuz you were the only person who ever seemed to be online whenever I was posting, I’m sorry that I seemed to put you on a pedestal because you were one of the first characters that I started reading about on AF, I’m sorry for always sounding like an idiot in your presence as your IC posts clearly state, I’m sorry that you think I send you on a guilt trip just for voicing how bad I feel after you yell at me, and I’m sorry that you think I’m too stupid to live! And don’t deny it, you said/typed it right to my face that I was stupid for not understanding certain things and not understanding things that others do. I saved the convo where you said it to me in case YOU have forgotten and I can prove it that way.

The night you said that, I was pissed off and when I later told my other friends around here about it, they said, “She must not be much of a friend if she’s insulting you.” The same thing happened when Lina called me a ‘fucktard’, albeit indirectly. How do people know all this stuff? Cuz remember when I tell you and Lina how I cry after our ‘bouts’? Well, guess what? It’s true! I feel like screaming, like killing someone, like cutting myself, you name it, but all I can do is cry, like I did last night and the many other times we’ve had a spat. I hid from my parents, but my sister walked in on me and asked me what was wrong, so I spilled the beans.

She told me that you two were ‘cyber bullies’.

I never wanted to believe it, I kept telling myself that I was just too soft and you guys were just super honest, but all my friends agreed with my sister when I told them, cuz I tell them everything that upsets me. They and my sister are where I go to release all the crap that I experience; I can’t tell my parents, they’d go and blow it all out of proportion. No, this is something that I’ve gotta deal with myself and with those who know me best who WON’T yank the plug on my computer.

Back when you said that nobody liked me on AF, that the Judges all sent you two to deal with me cuz they were sick of me, I didn’t wanna believe you. But then you told me about the misunderstanding with Kara over a fanart, how she was so mad that she ripped it up, and how Windy was pissed that I couldn’t get the rules down. Kara and Windy, I love you guys, I could never do anything to drive you away. Is this true? I thought we were friends; I loved talking with you both about everything, especially you Kara-chan T_T Why didn’t you just tell me? I told Lina that I didn’t remember the ‘fanart’ thing and I meant it, did I really hurt you? I want to apologize so hard if I did, cuz I’ve seen your work and it’s awesome, and I just can’t believe that I said something bad o.o

I guess it makes sense that nobody there liked me, Bekuki especially made no effort to keep it a secret, though God only knows what I did to piss her off in the first place. What, did I breathe on her or something?

“sighs” There, that’s a year’s worth of shit that I got off my chest that you wanted me to cough up last night, Saki, you happy now?